My everyday life, New On The Blog

My endless 2016…

My 2016 has been the worst year of my life.

I remember back to the end of 2015, where I thought: “2016 is MY year!”. I had big plans, including my blog – I had plans for development, new ideas for cooperation, a deal with a friend who was going to take pictures of me for the blog, and a lot of other things.

But Saturday January 2nd, my dad was taken to the intensive care at the hospital and it was very serious. He had been lying on the floor for 24 hours due to illness that had caused him to be weak and tired in his muscles. He couldn’t reach for his phone to get help and my aunt found him – just in time. One more hour and he would have been dead. The doctors feared a lot of things, but it turned out to be some sort of pneumonia. But the hours on the floor had taken its toll on his kidneys and he was therefore hospitalized for several weeks. He had to go into some rehabilitation to be able to walk again as he lost so many muscles in his legs since he was in bed for several weeks.

We had a lovely Spring with a ‘normal’ dad, happy and with a fit mind. We had a great Easter as always and he got to say goodbye to one of his sisters, who sadly passed away. But then came May and more troubles. He was rushed to the hospital as his doctors feared bad things with his heart, but nothing was wrong with it. A few weeks after, it happened again, but still no worries with his heart. But something else was wrong. To make a long story short, they found a big cancer tumor in his stomach with trace metastases in his adrenals, liver and lungs. In his last days, the doctors also suspected it to have reached his bones. All in all, he got the diagnosis on Friday June 10th and he died at 00.45 AM on Monday June 20th.

On June 20th, he had an appointment with the experts at another hospital to talk treatment, but he didn’t want any life-sustaining treatment – a decision he made many years ago. It was like he already knew the seriousness of his decease – even before the doctors gave him his diagnosis. He was somehow settled. But it went sooo quickly. The last week, dad wasn’t dad. He was diffuse, very slow and not himself. The nurses was sure that it had spread to his brain too, even though the doctors said no. But was dad not himself due to the many drugs he got? He didn’t eat much in his final days, so he had gotten thin. Could his sickness back in January had been his cancer? Did they do enough back then? I’m left with a lot of thoughts and worries. But again, he was somehow prepared although he wasn’t himself the last week. But my brother, our uncle and me sad with him when he took his last breath.

Of course, this completely ruined my 2016. I cannot believe that he is not here anymore – I miss him like crazy, even now almost 7 months after. Yes, I have had man fun times with friends and family after his death, but there have been more times with tears and grief. My first real sleep happened after two months and the motivation for doing the things I love the most, for example the blog – was gone for a while. I have been thinking too much about things and it has stripped me of my focus. For what if I met a sweet guy and wanted to introduce him for my dad? I can’t anymore. Or got a promotion at my job? No, wait… not that either. And how about the future? Either my brother or I was able to make him a grandfather before his death. And what will happened if I am lucky enough to get married – who will walk me down the aisle? It has been my biggest dream since I was a little girl to one day be married – one of the reasons was because I could share this special moment with my dad. I would be sooo happy and he would feel so proud. But I will never get that feeling now.

This post has nothing to do with fashion, sorry for that. But I needed to write this down and get it out there. A new year has started and once again, I want to say that this year is MY year! My excitement for my blog has come back, my motivation is back! I still get high on shopping and finding great items to shop and then show off on the blog for my readers and followers. Last year has been a struggle with time, motivation and my mental health as opponents, but I know for sure that many other people have been where I have been. Or in a similar situation or even worse. We all have our ups and downs. My 2016 was the most depressed year of my life, but I will soon be back on top. The first year after the loss of a loved one is always the most tough – the first of every special occasion without him – Christmas, birthday, anniversary – is awful. My Christmas was hard, but I had my closest family around me and that was amazing! Even though I cried for myself most of the days, because it just wasn’t the same without dad, at least I wasn’t alone. Not for Christmas. But I was in the period after his death last summer – that I wouldn’t want even for my worst enemy.  I had no boyfriend to come home to and since I am not good at asking for help, everyone would assume that I was OK. I was not. And I am still struggling with that today.

With joy, I have said my goodbyes with the stupid year called 2016. But then again… I kinda don’t want to loose 2016 as it was the last year I had my dad. Like it is sacred and should be saved for all eternity. I will probably always think that, haha… I did end the year very good – I got some lovely attention from a sweet guy and I celebrated NYE with some of my best friends – so bring on 2017!

#cancersucks #hopeful #prayformydadplease

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